Darrell Has Second Thoughts…

As you know Darrell is very much in touch with all things of a skin care type nature, following a rigorous beauty regime……and a keen interest in the latest demonstrations and products on QVC…..

….. but he has almost driven me mad with his constant grumbling about the effect the cold weather and central heating has been having on his complexion and hands,  so in the end I told him to go and see Natalie at “Beautique”,  the village Beauty Salon for a consultation. 

Natalie told him that there was very little she could offer for him because, despite all his robust protestations, Darrell had quiet lovely skin,  not unlike a  baby’s bum, ripe peach…… …… but she suggested that,  if he was looking for a New Year boost to his beauty regime,  some of her gentlemen clients like a little waxing for a nice smooth silky feeling in the trouser department,  which Darrell might like to consider….. …. However, after initially saying he would give it a go, Darrell began to a serious change of mind as Natalie handed him a fluffy white towel as they both waited for her wax pot to warm up.  The prospect of having to remove any of his clothing just became too embarrassing for Darrell to contemplate and in the end he apologised to Natalie,  saying that perhaps a male manicure would be more his treatment of choice, for today,  at least …….

Natalie tutted a little, turned off her wax pot and went to fetch some warm water instead for Darrell to soak his cuticles  ….. and told him to peruse her vast array of varnishes ….Darrell decided to have just one nail painted in turquoise on his left hand and then have the others done in clear glossy ….. what is he like?

But, at least his modesty was left intact, and perhaps his experience will make him a little less vain …. though I doubt it somehow!

The Prime Minister Requests The Pleasure …….. An Invitation From 10 Downing Street!!!!!

We are privy to a great many to secret secrets,  and having been fully briefed,  we totally understand matters of national security etc., therefore our word is our bond …. and our lips remain tightly sealed, until we are told that we can reveal the aforementioned secret secrets.

Well ….. we can now disclose that Auntie Jan and Vinnie were invited to 10 Downing Street by His Majesty The Prime Minister David Cameron to celebrate the Big Society Awards……. OMG!!!

(*for security reasons Darrell has used a little of computer jiggery pokery to delete details of a delicate type nature from certain photographs)

Nigel was almost beside himself at the thought that he was touching something that His Majesty David Cameron had touched,  when Vinnie brought us his invitation to see.

We were so very proud of Auntie Jan and Vinnie, and not for the first time during their Olympic Adventure we welled up a little, it’s a dream that  just seems to be going on and on and on for them…….

Now, because of extremely robust security measures,  Auntie Jan and Vinnie were not permitted to take any photos of the proceedings inside No. 10, this is the only picture that Vinnie managed to get of Auntie Jan before the No. 10 Policeman returned to his post in front of the (very shiny) door ….. and unfortunately Auntie Jan was not able to replicate the gesture for Vinnie.  There were official pictures taken, but again, unfortunately,  Auntie Jan was unable to access them ….. which is such a shame!!!

However,  Auntie Janet and Vinnie were able to network and smuzzzz with some very famous people and they said that the  “pictures will always be inside their heads”

Auntie Jan and Vinnie also told us that Mr Cameron was a very generous host and that the wine flowed very freely at No.10, and as such it would have looked most rude to refuse anything that was liberally proffered ……  as a result both confessed to feeling a little squiffy as they bid their farewells and they wended their very happy way home!!!!    Whatever will happen next to them, perhaps they’ll be asked to go into the next Celebrity Big Brother House …………??!!!  We would be soooooo jealous!!

What Have We Started??????

Nigel’s wardrobe malfunction problems have been troubling me robustly for a little a while now …..

There’s only so much bum cleavage one can take ….

…. and after seeing it on a a very regular basis for quite some time I have to admit that it has lost a little of it’s certain allure and erm …. fascination!

I also have to confess to being very afraid that when we try to enter immigration control at Last Vegas airport,  at the start our Holiday of a Lifetime Holiday, we would be stopped and Nigel refused entry under some violation of an act of indecency type nature.

But, Nigel’s body shape does not really confirm to the norm and so finding a range of “designer” wear that fits him perfectly has not been an easy task, but, thanks to Darrell’s due diligence, we finally came up trumps ….. and found two outfits, that “Will become,” says Darrell “ …the key pieces of Nigel’s new wardrobe!”

Now, Nigel not known for his shyness had his “kit” was off, at the kitchen table before you could say “Gok Wan’s Fashion Fix” …….

…. and the transformation was instantaneous …..  from indecent exposure ….

….. to boy next door chicanista chic …..

….. with, no hint of a cleavage or VPL …..

and Nigel thinking he is the bees knees knees!!!!!!

Success ……

…. and Nigel’s old trousers were shown abruptly to the bin!

However …..  curious to see what else he might fancy to go with his new look, we foolishly showed Nigel from whence his new sartorial apparel came….

…. we now bitterly regret that decision, because Nigel is now desperate to see and speak to the Lovely Laura, as he thinks that he has found the perfect ensemble in which to perform his bridesmaidship duties at Tom and the aforementioned Lovely Laura’s forthcoming nuptials  …… oh good grief …. WHAT have we started!!!??????

Nigel's new wardrobe is from the Build a Bear Workshop http://www.buildabear.co.uk/shop/browsecategory.aspx?Category=smallfrys_accessories

Oh Nigel …..

On Sunday morning, after a very tempest torn night of wind and rain, Nigel looked out of the spare room window to check on William, his beloved snowman,  only to find that he was gone …..

He dashed in to the garden,  but all that was left of William was his scarf, his carrot nose and his button eyes.

Poor, poor Nigel …… life can be so cruel at times, but I did try to warn him that that’s the way with snowmen when I saw that he was getting attached ….

We sat awhile by the pool, where William had sat for the past week,  remembering,  with Nigel clutching Williams nose ….

… and when the time was right then I suggested that we should gather up William’s scarf to be washed and then put it away safe for another day …… In time there would be other snowmen ….. not quite like William, but I told Nigel that he would love them just as much …..

Darrell is Officially The 223,794th Healthiest Person In The UK!

Good Grief …….

Darrell is such a one for a free gimmick or app on the internet, you can tell when he is up to something as he goes very quiet and then, all of a sudden a robust guffaw and amused snort breaks the silence,  as was the case when he found the Innocent January Check Up on Facebook!

I dread to think what his “considered” and “honest” responses were to the questions …….

…… but he was exceedingly chirpy with the results! When he saw  that he was “79% likely to wear tiny shorts” ……(heaven help us all)  ….. he swiftly moved on to ….

….. BUNS OF STEEL ……. after which he had the audacity to say that he was a trifle fatigued after all his rampant clenching and that he was going to take a moment or two for quiet reflection,  and recover his strength ……

…….. and if I wouldn’t mind awfully, could I bring him up a cup of tea in about half an hour!  Aghhhhh,  give me strength!!!

http://checkup.innocentdrinks.co.uk/#take-our-jan-check-up

http://checkup.innocentdrinks.co.uk/#get-buns-of-steel

Darrell ….. Stop Teasing Nigel!!

I wish Darrell wouldn’t torment Nigel so much  …..

….. he has told Nigel that rock salt, currently on sale in the village for £4.99 a bag,  is the sworn enemy of snow ……. and can destroy a snowman by melting him almost instantly ………. sprinkle rock salt anywhere near one and pooooooofffffff, a mushy, sludgy snowman with a dislodged carrot nose!!!

Nigel is so desperately enamoured by all things snow and ice at the moment that Darrell’s “revelation” has totally mortified him, and as such he has taken it all very much to heart …..

….. so much so that he is thinking robustly about writing to his MP to get the sale of rock salt banned during the winter months ……. Darrell!!!!!!!

Rylan …. Rylan …. Rylan !!!

Our televisual reality programme of choice this past three weeks has, without question, been Celebrity Big Brother,  where our favourite, since the word go, has unquestionably been Rylan and so tonight we will be casting our precious one and only vote for him to win.

We have absolutely loathed Spydee, however, they have been excellent role models for Darrell and I to demonstrate to Nigel how they are everything we must strive NOT to be!Our Celebrity Big Brother televisual reality experience has also been robustly enhanced by the introduction of yet another inspired gift from “present buyer extraordinaire” Auntie Jan ….. a set of paddle signs to help us express our feelings about the proceedings ……

We select a couple of paddles each and when an annoying moment occurs,  usually when Spydee get on our nerves with their snidee comments,  we hold one aloft to express our considered opinion!

I have to admit my favourite sign is Darrell’s “drinks order” one,  which he gets out five minutes before BB’s Bit On The Side …… when we tell him of our night cap preferences.

….. and then when it’s finally all over and bedtime …… I get my last paddle out !!!!!What are we like?