Sunday, 27 May 2012

A Eurovision Disaster Of Unpresidented Proportions!

Last night, half an hour before Graham Norton was about to take to the airwaves and bring us The 2012 Eurovision Song Contest from Baku, our raison d’etre for so many months and the televisual highlight of our year …… disaster struck …..
….. Darrell in his growing excitement had gone a*** over *it on the newly polished floor, resulting in our first ever medical emergency ….. (and just days after we first muted our concerns over our lack medical provision, how very, very  spooky and Derek Acorah!)
Nigel was first on the scene and was at first more concerned that there were limited edition patriotic red, white and blue M & Ms strewn across the floor than Darrell's as of yet undiagnosed predicament......
...... but when Darrell didn’t move and asked Nigel in an urgent yet composed type nature to "Find Monkey and find him NOW!"  Nigel soon realised the gravity of the situation.
Upon my arrival I quickly ascertained that Darrell had a non fatal injury to his left arm but
required medical attention and quickly assumed command of the situation, putting together a makeshift stretcher with Nigel’s help, before sending him to boil water.
By this stage all thoughts of Eurovision had vanished, Darrell's well being was now paramount ...... and we knew we needed to get him to hospital immediately.
 Once I had totally immobilised Darrell .....
...... I put Nigel in charge of taking the rectal pulse in Darrell's ear as I am sure I had seen it done in a John Wayne film once, but decided against giving Darrell a bullet to bite on just in case he swallowed it, as I was also acutely aware that if surgery was needed and a nil by mouth policy applied, Darrell's inadvertent consumption of the aforementioned bullet could delay any such surgical procedure.
Andy was sent to get the car out (I didn't think we needed to call the air ambulance out) while we continued to keep Darrell calm and maintain his bodily functions.
I have to say Darrell was an excellent patient .... extremely composed  ..... and accepting of
his fate .....

..... even having the malice of forethought to remind me to take his phone with us ..... just in case .....!!
When we got to the hospital we were told immediatley that photography was not allowed ....(hence no following photos) but Darrell was quickly attended to and was, after a robust prodding, scanning, several enemas and a quick x-ray diagnosed as having a sprained wrist, which was duly bandaged and a sling applied.  We were also told that if Darrell was in any further pain a couple of paracetamol's would suffice, and that the gas and air that he had requested would certainly not needed!
And as for Eurovision???  ..... it was well and truly over by time we got home and we were too exhausted to find out if Bagpuss Englebert had triumphed for the United Kingdom nation or how Emin's interval performance had gone ..... so we don't have a clue what ensued in Baku.  There was a TV in A & E at New Cross Hospital, but it was set on Sky News .... and none of us had the bottle to ask any of the mahooosive medical team attending to Darrell if one of them could ask the receptionist to change the channel for us!!
Oh well, let's hope that the final of The Apprentice won't be as taumatic for us!!!


marc said...

its so sad you missed it after all your preparations but its good that Darrell is OK we did not do well and a swede won so next year i think it will be coming from a greenhouse some were in a mountain big showbiz wave Hugh

Anonymous said...

Holey Moley!! Darrell taking a tumble amongst the patriotic M & M's! Quick thinking and first class first aid by Monkey with Nigel's help..Thank goodness no bullet biting... Andy to the rescue with ambulance service..But THREE enemas for a sprained wrist? HMMMM.... A Night to Remember for Darrell's autobiography....All here sending get well wishes to brave Darrell after such a harrowing experience. .....Dianne

Mr.D said...

Rectal pulse in one's ear? Made me laugh! Are you sure John Wayne/Marion Morrison did this? Even in a movie?
We don't get the Eurovision here but I think the voters got the hump with the Hump.

Anonymous said...

If Darrell falls on hard times maybe he could get role as an extra in Casualty, now he has had the experience first hand so to speak! JantheFan x

Di said...

OMG, OMG!! I even signed up for Twitter in the melee of not knowing what was going on! And, am sitting here crying, at gone 1am, with laughter. I'm so with Mr D about the rectal pulse bit! I read the later posting first and thought WHAT?! And here you tell me it's in your ear?!

Snort, choke!

Get well hugs, Di xx